19 August 2011

Full Disclosure: Playing Myself

So as a gal who shows herself on the Internet on an almost daily basis isn't that just an invite to be judged, it may surprise you bit to know that I've never been one to be completely comfortable in my own skin. Actually, through most of my life, I've gone through periods where I wished and I mean really really wished that I could be someone else.

Through the early part of elementary school, I really wanted to be a boy - and no, it probably didn't help that my parents then had cut and permed my hair into a curly asian fro and dressed me in Chucks and overalls. But all my buddies were boys, and I played handball and got into fights and pretty much ran wild through my neighborhood. At school, I even tried to participate in the boys team games, much to the exasperation of the gym teacher who had to tell me to go back to the girls' line for activities almost every day.

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In junior high, a class discussion on modern race relations revealed that the pretty blonde boy I had a huge crush on didn't think he'd be comfortable dating outside of his race - which made me wish even more so to be that pretty brunette he often had lunch with.

I felt awkward and geeky through high school and wished I could have been anyone else. I know, didn't we all feel like we could be someone else at some point through high school? But I was a little overweight through freshman year and had a habit of doing really "cool" things, like walking in front of a bunch of popular kids when they were trying to take a group photo, getting between a garbage can and the arm of the star athlete when he threw a rotted banana during lunch - you know, that kind of stuff that so helped my popularity meter soar.

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When my parents finally decided to invest in a home computer and Internet access dial-up, baby!, I spent way too much free time in those creepy chat rooms being pretty anyone but myself. And strangely enough, that anyone but myself persona was sharp-witted and humorous and made the rounds (not that way) at Talk City, my fave dial-up haunt.

I'm not sure when I stopped wanting to be someone else. Probably some time in college when I resigned myself that no amount of praying and hoping would change me physically or mentally. Or probably sometime shortly after I started working full-time when I stopped having the time to obsess. Maybe I just got over it. But sometimes I still revert back to my old mental ways - sometimes even in the simple act of getting dressed in the mornings I feel like I'm getting ready not to be myself so much as to play myself.

So, hello. Today the role of Lisa will be played by ... me.

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Top: Little Yellow Button by Anthropologie meeting place (worn here - sim here, here)
Skirt: J. Crew chino full (worn here - sim here, as dress here, trimmed here)
Shoes: Sofft ramona II (worn here - sim here)
Necklace: Old Navy ethnic statement (worn here - sim here, solid here, -ish here)

31 comments:

  1. Awww! And I LOVE Lisa :)

    haha Chat rooms. That just reminds me of the good 'ol AOL days. BAHA!

    You mentioned you wanted to be a boy when you were younger. So does Shiloh Pitt apparently. haha I just giggle everytime I see her and people get all bent out of shape that she looks like a boy. Come on! She can be cute and a tom boy. haha

    Have a good weekend, girl!

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  2. I'm not goign to lie - when I saw the title I thought it said "playing with myself" and I giggled (hi, my name is ashley and i'm a 14 year old boy). And I like you :) - the real deal lisa!

    Also, I want that top so bad - I waited too long and then it was sold out, so it makes me sad whenever I see anyone in it.

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  3. Jenny - oh Shiloh is going to grow up to be the hottest looking tomboy in town, I bet! And I know, chat rooms - I guess I used to be one of those creepy people!

    Ashley - you totally are a 14yo boy because you're adding words to my title, haha! I totally did not think about that when I wrote it up, but now I keep seeing the word "with" even though it's not there! ;o)

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  4. Lisa, I am going to have to go out on a limb (yet again) and say that I know just how you feel. I grew up very poor (like we didn't have a place to live poor) and I always wanted to not be. I was completely invisible through all my school days. I dressed funny in high school to try to show that I didn't care what people thought-I did.

    I still have those days all the time. But I also am proud of the things that I do have and learned to appreciate about my life. Being poor made me appreciate little things, gestures, moments and people in my life that are priceless. They made me grateful, humble and mindful not to waste things. They made me yearn to excel, go to college, get a good job and want to be the best I could be for my kids.

    I don't know you personally. THere is a good chance I will never get to meet you, but I like you. I love reading your blog and I love that you put it all out there. Raw and vulnerable. Keep it up, I know I'm not alone.

    I love your outfit today as well. The black and white top and the khaki skirt are great. The red pumps are nice as well.

    Have a great weekend!

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  5. You're so cute! Thanks for sharing! Everyone has their insecurities, and it is great when we can overcome them.

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  6. Your outfits are always great, but Lisa, it's your posts that gets me coming back time after time. Thanks for opening up to us and really being ... real. You're lovely and I'm glad we get to know the real you.

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  7. you have amazing outfit sense...totally following you. I love your necklace in the above outfit.

    Hoping you would check my blog out and follow if you like.

    xo Nav
    http://www.navlandstyle.blogspot.com/

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  8. Hmmm...this post really hit home for me in a lot of ways and made me get really emotional. I'm sure I'm not the only person whose life is touched by your introspective, articulate ways and nonchalant honesty. Thanks for being...whoever you are. You're pretty awesome!

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  9. loved reading this post <3 you are too freaking adorable! your mishaps totally made me giggle, and you know full well that you are super awesome :)

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  10. You are too cute! I think we all have to figure out who we are...mid-20's brought some realization to me I think but not until the last few years do I really feel like I know who I am now. Maybe 30 really is the magic number! You look super cute in that top...love it with hte necklace too!

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  11. This outfit and your pictures are lovely Lisa, but I admit I loved your words even more. I was picked on and bullied and left out of things my whole childhood because of my appearance and dorky ways, and I don't think it was until college for me either when I learned to be confident and proud of myself. Anyway, I think you are fabulous, and thank you for writing this :)

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  12. I can't even imagine you wishing you were someone else, but I think many of us did it when we were young. Sometimes I still do it now. I guess it's true, what they say, we always want what we can't have :)

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  13. First time poster here, who never spoke unless spoken to in high school. I too will add to the chorus of ladies here who think you are fabulous! BTW, love your outfit today! I have the Meeting Place top and never thought to wear it with anything other than jeans and capris! I LOVE that you're wearing it with a poofy white skirt, it looks amazing and you're a genius to pair it together! Now off to hunt down a white skirt...

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  14. love this. i spent much of my time in HS on the computer for the same reason.

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  15. Lisa is gorgeous - and has great taste in clothing :)

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  16. I love the detailing on that top!

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  17. What a great post Lisa and I think many can relate to your story. I think it's mostly about growing up and being comfortable with who you are, but it kind of takes those awkward moments to actually figure it out, doesn't it?

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  18. Love this post! As cheesy as it sounds, thanks for being you and making your blog a fun, but thought-provoking place to stop by on a beautiful Friday afternoon.

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  19. What a great post, Lisa! I was the same way in middle school and high school, wishing I were someone else. But I found as I grew up and grew into my skin a bit better I felt so much more comfortable and confident with myself by the time I was in college. I loved college, it was a place to hone your beliefs and values and grow into the person you were supposed to be. There was no more time to waste on wishing you were someone else and it was just easier to be you.

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  20. Thank you for articulating what pretty much everyone goes through. It is definitely a turning point in life when you start realizing that you are "enough" while still growing who you are over time.
    Thank you for being transparent. Beautiful you.

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  21. It's nice to hear that many people go through the same awkward phases...I don't think I fully realized that it would be possible to really be considered pretty without being a blue eyed blonde until I got to college and even then it took a while.

    While I typically don't wish I looked like someone else, now I sometimes wish I had other people's killer style...like you :)

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  22. Thanks Lisa for such an insightful post. I can totally relate to your story. It took me a long time for me to finally accept everything about myself - inside and out.

    BTW...loving your outfit today. I never paid attention to that top when it was in the store. I'm wishing it did :(

    Have a great weekend!

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  23. I think you write the most interesting and thought provoking post. I pretty much experienced the same thing wanting to be everyone, but myself from middle school to high school. I'm so happy I snapped out of the people pleasing mode before I graduated.

    Love your top the decorations at the waist are so unique and cute.

    Lovely outfit, shoes and smile! :)

    Have a good weekend!! :)

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  24. I LOVE the all outfit and in special this post, thanks for sharing.
    I never comment before, but I've been following your blog for a while and I love your looks, clothes, smile...your all persona :-)
    You are very cute!
    XOXO
    Andrea

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  25. Super cute top. I really adore this outfit. Yes, thanks for sharing more of you here. I love reading it all :)

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  26. Very well written post. I miss chat rooms -- not that I ever pretended to be someone else, but it was nice to feel judged for myself, not how I dressed or whatever else I was insecure about. The Internet has helped me get over a lot of those offline insecurities. Your outfit, as usual, perfect and adorable.

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  27. This post brought back many memories of my own. I remember how I used to wish I was blond hair and blue eyed, just so I'd increase my chances of getting asked out by non- Asian dudes :-). Glad that desire of mine diminished! I couldn't be happier now!
    You are totally rocking that outfit, it's wonderful in every way!

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  28. Love this outfit! The top and necklace are so fantastic together!

    GTBB,
    http://badjoan.blogspot.com
    http://cookingjoan.blogspot.com

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  29. I think middle school/ high school is such a hard period in everyone's life - even if they were popular. I'm glad you're comfortable in your own skin. You are gorgeous - and I love that shirt!!!

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  30. WHAT AN AMAZING POST... i love the fact that you touched upon how even as little girls when we're supposed to be "most" like ourselves, we make ourselves feel ugly from external forces... trust me - i know how you feel about wanting to be the pretty girl and college was when i gave that pipe dream up, haha! its so much better to be comfortable in your own skin!

    girl you are WORKING this outfit... love the subtle details and the flare in the skirt :)

    with love,
    guildedsecret

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